The Guest House

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Rumi
(1207 – 1274)

This version by Coleman Barks, from The Essential Rumi.

Think Different

Where’re you going? (7) And by the way ..who are you?

We finished the last post considering the effects of our outcome on the wider system – in the widest sense, the ecology of what we’re setting out to do; the likely impact on each part of the system – and that includes, of course, our self. And it is this consideration of self that concludes this mini-series.

We started this metaphorical journey asking the simple, yet profound question:

“What do you want?” (Where do you want to go?)

We end it by coming back to you, and perhaps realising that for our outcome to be purposeful, the journey is actually more a voyage of discovery about who we really are.

The ‘you’ part is central to this whole process, and so it follows that ‘you’re very sure that you know where’re you’re going, and that you want to go there!

If along the way you sense that something is missing, you’re probably right – and it will most likely be you!

And so now we’re into the territory of identity – the you, I, me, and self. Are all happily engaged in the journey?

Is your chosen outcome, and its journey, its voyage, a true expression of who you are? Is what you are committing to, authentic? Does it call on your integrity?

“Integrity simply means not violating one’s own identity.”
Erich Fromm

Try thinking of it this way. If you were the project manager (which with an outcome you are!) – does the way you are as an individual, inspire your vision and those involved in it? Does it fit with your values to such an extent that it has priority (which may not also be urgency)?

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide.

Does the outcome inspire you to be the best you can be(c0me)? Too often, we aim too low, as opposed to too high .. and we become disenchanted.

Remember that just because something is big, it need not be unmanageable .. (How do you eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time). Ask instead:

‘Will this stretch me to be myself? Will this call me home to be who I really am?

If it does, make the necessary adjustments, define your next steps, and prepare for an exhilarating time – remembering that the attitude and process you choose for getting from the ‘here’ to the ‘there’ shapes the end result.

The means engender the end .. and as the end actually forever unfolds, perhaps it is the means we choose which is more important?

END

(To search for all seven posts in this series, enter the keyword ‘taxi’ in the search box).

how things work

When I used the image of the watch cogs in my mini series post last week, it reminded me when as a young boy, I was first given a ‘Timex’ watch for a christmas/birthday present. I think I was about 11 years old.

My favourite book at the time was a huge black hardback volume (which of course made me feel important!) .. called ‘How Things Work’. I still have it. I see that it is now out of print. I used to spend hours reading how vacuum cleaners, televisions, steam turbines, record players – and watches worked. I loved it!

Sometimes, I’d try to put my new found knowledge to good use by ‘fixing’ things. Once – whilst at boarding school in Abingdon, I bought a second hand TV from an Oxfam charity shop. I spent £5 on it – my entire term allowance as I remember. It was one of those huge black and white sets with a tiny screen. I somehow managed to carry it across the town and smuggle it back into school.

It didn’t work; just grey fuzzy static – no surprises there.

That is until I fixed it with a coat-hanger aerial and some black tape around the carbon rod inside (not advised!)  .. My fixing the TV, made watching the  grainy picture that much more satisfying – along with the fact that TVs were forbidden in the boarding house.

The only problem was, the other things that I decided to fix didn’t always need fixing – like my watch, which I carefully took apart .. laying each cog on the table in order – so that I could put it back together again after my investigation. That was the plan; actually it ended up, hidden under some rush matting in my bedroom. OK, lets say that another way – I couldn’t put the cogs back together again and so hid the watch out of sight where some months later, my mother found it! Not good.

There’s a saying that ‘Curiosity killed the cat.’ But does curiosity kill the cat? I like to think not, .. rather that ‘Satisfaction brought it back.’

I’m still curious to understand things; in fact my curiosity is probably stronger than ever, but I take things apart and hope to put them back together again only metaphorically now – and even then my preference is to encourage and enable others to work on themselves.

Instead of the TV static, I’m curious about how we can clean up our emotional static; how we can both transmit and receive cleaner signals to each other.

I now know that life isn’t necessarily about fixing things; but it is about asking questions. The questions we ask, rather than our answers, shape who we are.

When I was a sergeant in the police control room, I always told new staff to never stop asking questions, and to encourage others to do the same. I know it’s a cliché, but the day we stop asking questions about how we work, is a sad day indeed. By asking questions we improve – and evolve, emotionally – which surely is what life is about?

Where’re you going? (6) Fitting into the wider scheme of things.

In the last post, we considered the detail of accessing, and using internal and external resources – these including our skills, attitudes, and beliefs.

Now – before we start – is the time to consider the wider picture .. the wider implications.

Every action we take, and resource we use is part of a wider system. Just as we are mindful of how we are to get from the ‘here’ (present state) to the ‘there’ (desired state), we need also be mindful of both the effect our outcome actions will have on the system, and the effect the system will have on our outcome.

Here are some useful systemic questions to consider ..

• How much time and effort will we need?
• What can we do without to make room for this outcome?
• What will we let go? What will we give up? What will we compromise?
• How will others be effected by our actions? From their perspective, will we need to make adjustments?
• What aspects of the present set-up do we want to keep, individually, or as an organisation?
• In what context do we want changes to occur? What boundaries do we want to set?
• What will be the secondary consequences of our outcome? Do we want them?

Next week’s post concludes this mini-series. (To search for all seven posts in this series, enter the keyword ‘taxi’ in the search box).

Tapping into new solutions

After an initial period of scepticism – “I have a background in science and am

suspicious of new ‘fads’ unless they have good evidence base” – Masha Bennett

trained in EFT and has become a convert. She explains how it can help clients.

After an initial period of scepticism – “I have a background in science and am suspicious of new ‘fads’ unless they have good evidence base” – Masha Bennett trained in EFT and has become a convert. She explains how it can help clients.

Whether or not you are familiar with EFT, I recommend her excellent article.

Masha Bennett is well worth looking up – see link in her article. She is an interesting person and very active in the eft world, as trainer and therapist, – working very effectively in the field of addictions.

Where’re you going? (3) Getting from the here to the there.

In the last post (2) of this mini-series, I talked about how easy it is to think negatively,  .. and also how difficult it is trying hard to ‘be positive’!

Far more effective is when we can simply acknowledge and then remove the blocks to who we naturally are – (a positive, loving, compassionate being of course!?)

So what are these blocks that need removing? As mentioned in the last post –

• Most of us are better at knowing what we don’t want, and not what we do want.
• When we think or describe what we don’t want, our subconscious generates an internal representation of it anyway (making ‘it’ more likely to occur)!
• Our trying to be positive is not generally effective either!

These internal blocks keep us from being ourselves, and when we are absent in this way – well life gets pretty difficult, and we’re unable to move forward.

So, being ourselves, being authentic, having integrity – is essential if we are to know where we’re going in life – and if we’re to successfully communicate this to others.

Nlp usefully suggests certain conditions which enable us to set up and realise well-formed outcomes. An outcome here simply means – what you want / where you’re goin’ in life! By keeping to the nlp conditions, we move towards well-formed outcomes in a way which is effortless, motivating, achievable, sustainable, and authentic to the person setting them.

Only when you have set an outcome will you know which tasks are necessary to enable you to move forwards. The tasks are the stepping stones for getting you from the here (your present state) .. to the there (your desired state).

And the tasks in turn will find and make use of your resources (mostly internal again!)

Outcome – Tasks – Resources

First define your well-formed outcome. It’s useful to know where you are going – otherwise your path is vague; your direction is aim-less. Acknowledging and accepting (without blame!) your present situation is also useful. After all, a map showing your destination is useless without the ‘I am here’ arrow!

Get clear about what you want, and also be clear also about what you will need to let go of. Make room, mentally and emotionally, for the change you want. Just as you must first move out old furniture before moving in the new – the same is true here.  Make room in your heart and mind. Know what needs to go. Decide what to compromise, and choose what you want to keep. Be specific with the detail!

We’ll continue with more nlp conditions next post ..

(To search for all seven posts in this series, enter the keyword ‘taxi’ in the search box).

Joining in is good for you! The science says so!

On my training workshops, I often ask for a ‘willing volunteer’ to come to the front to be a subject, for when I demonstrate a new procedure or technique.

‘Steven’ (not his real name) was just such a volunteer. Before we start the actual demonstration, I always first ask the subject on a scale of 0-10 how they feel having put themselves forward, and what issue they would like to work with. If they are feeling uncomfortable being on ‘the hot seat’ I work with that first – and so it was with Steven.

P: “So how are you being up here with me Steven .. in front of everyone, and not knowing what’s to come?”

S: “I’m ok I suppose!” (looking anything but)

P: “Are you sure?”

S: “Well ok, actually I’m not happy – not happy at all!” (or words to that effect).

P: “Oh, okay .. and do you want to say what its about, or if you like give it a cryptic title, and tell us where you are emotionally on a scale of 0-10, 10 being the most intense?”

S: “Football. I’m really [cheesed off] as I should be at the stadium watching football! And I’m probably an ‘8’! Its Saturday and I shouldn’t be here!”

After a couple of minutes with the process, and Stevens’ rating had reduced to 2.

P: “Okay, so now you’re down to a 2 or so, are you ready to start on the other issue?”

S: “There’s nothing else. That was it. I’m okay now!”

Once the stress of missing Saturday football was cleared, Steven was able to enjoy the rest of the course – and even came on another workshop weekend (though thinking about it, this second one was out of football season!). It really seemed to be the case that his biggest ‘issue’ to work with at that time was that he was missing football.

Occasionally, I regret that I’m not a sports fanatic. At school, I did anything to avoid team games – much to the relief I’m sure of my sport mad friends. I considered myself ‘physically dyslexic’ – and I really was! (now there’s a limiting belief if there ever was one!)

At school, music was my passion – playing it, and listening. I had no time for sport – except I always somehow managed time for regular pub games of snooker including taking a quick sneaky diversion, into The Punchbowl, in Abingdon during the Wednesday afternoon cross country running practices! Thinking back, I and my friends must have looked a strange sight playing pub snooker in our school running gear!

But now, many years later – when I sometimes hear people talk about their Tuesday evening five a side, or going to the stadium to support their club – and how nothing can get in the way of them attending ..  well, I’m a little envious as I know its about much more than the football.

Its about the joining in, the social side, the team effort, the connection, and participation in a group which is of so much benefit. And of course there are many ways other than football where this happens.

– Just like when I played jazz trombone in our trad jazz band on the lawn at The Unicorn Theatre barbeque .. among my best memories, ‘ still gives me a tingle!

.. which reminds me. I’ve recently taken up clarinet!

‘anyone want a clarinet or keyboard player in their band?!

The point is joining in is good for us, and science agrees.

Join in, its good for you! – so says Professor Alex Haslam of the University of Exeter, at the recent British Festival of Science.

Does more money make you happy?

‘Just came across this on-line article in the Daily Mail – about that old chestnut –  the role of money in happiness.

An interesting read – and it happens to refer to Robert Holden’s recent short workshop, The Real More. (See recent posts about Robert Holden’s happiness work)

Where’re you going? (2) The power of negative thinking

Before you read further, I’d like you to do something ..

Ready? Here goes ..

Don’t think of a blue tomato with pink spots.

* * *

While you do that (not think of a blue tomato with pink spots), I’ll remind you of the first post in this mini-series where I gave an account of a pretty helpless taxi passenger who knew where they didn’t want to go, but was not able to say where they did want to go.

I suggested that this sadly was how many of us ‘do’ life – leading of course to huge frustrations for oursleves and others.

We know what we don’t want – but when we ask oursleves what we do want .. specifically? Well many people get stumped by that one!

.. Then we get depressed, we notice what’s lacking, and we moan, blaming ourselves and others for not getting what we (didn’t ask or know we) wanted!

Knowing what we want, and as importantly, knowing when we get/experience what we want are hugely relevant to a happy, successful existence. And it all starts, and ends, with the way we think .. and while we’re onto thinking, the ‘how’s’ are far more important than the ‘why’s’.

Let’s think for a moment about how we think: when it comes to negative thinking there are two ways, broadly speaking, that we linguistically do this. Language contains, carries, shapes, and expresses our thoughts:  1) by analogue, and (2) digital means.

With analogue negativity, there is a variable sliding level of negativity which may appear vague on the surface, yet which is firmly rooted into our out of conscious values and beliefs. Analogue negativity is certainly worth paying attention to as often it can lead to unneccessary generalisations, judgement and criticism.

The digital element of our dialogue – whether with others or ourself, negates statements, through words like, “not”, “none”, “never” (not ever), “but”, and also when we insert “un -” and “in – ” – as in “unattractive”, or “incompetent.”

These digital negations are worth looking out for too, as they prevent us from our true capacity for positive outcomes.

Steve Andreas talks at length about the effect of negation (and much else besides) in his excellent e-book, to be found at RealPeoplePress

The brain plays tricks on us when we negate. Your seeing the blue tomato with pink spots when asked not to, is a case in point. (You did, didn’t you?!).

Our subconscious can only process negatives after first giving us an internal representation – its that simple. This is actually quite logical, as how can your mind understand what not to do, until it has first represented it so as to understand it?!

The effect of this however is that when we tell ourselves not to be nervous, never to eat the cake when we’re not hungry, to not be shy or forget our words, but to speak out clearly, to not act incompetently, not smoke another cigarette, not shout back,  – we say, experience, or do exactly do the opposite!

Perhaps this reminds you also that trying hard to ‘be positive’ is less effective than simply acknowledging and removing the blocks to who you naturally are – a positive, loving, compassionate being?

So, before we get totally confused .. where are we with all of this so far!?

• Most of us are better at knowing what we don’t want, rather than what we do want.
• When we think or describe what we don’t want, our subconscious generates an internal representation of it anyway (making ‘it’ more likely to occur)!
• Our trying to be positive is not generally effective either!

Interesting – but what are we to do with this information? How then can we move forward? In my next post, we’ll learn about this!

(for all posts in this series, search under ‘taxi’)

(To search for all seven posts in this series, enter the keyword ‘taxi’ in the search box).